Summer is finally here! The weather’s warm and the living is easy. Time to relax, enjoy some time off, and maybe take a vacation or two. Personally, I’ve got a few road trips on deck this summer to see my favorite bands in different places across the country. It requires meticulous logistical planning, especially if you’re driving from city to city, but always ends up being worth it once you’re actually enjoying the fruits of your labor.
In the course of planning these trips, I noticed a bunch of different bands playing that I hadn’t seen out there in a while. Bands you thought were long gone. Bands that really shouldn’t be playing anymore. However unlikely, they’re still out there grinding away and bringing the music you once loved listening to on alternative rock radio to the masses this summer. I started to think – what if there was a way to get to see all of these bands on an old-fashioned great American road trip? The more I looked, the more the dates started to line up, and the entire journey started to fall into place.
And the results were horrendous. By the end of my research, I had created a 10-concert, 12-day tour de force road trip I’d never thought was possible in this day and age. And it probably shouldn’t be.
Are you ready for the worst vacation of your life? Well, look no further. I’ve got it all mapped out for you.
STOP 1: Pittsburgh, PA /// August 2, 2023 – August 4, 2023
What better way to start your trip that with a 3-night stay in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, a blue collar, working man’s town built on the backs of American steel workers? You can grab a one-way ticket to Pittsburgh for $39 (!) on Spirit Airlines from Newark. You’re going to need to rent a car, too, as you have many stops to make afterwards. That’ll cost you about $700 for the duration of your trip, and you’ll be traversing the Rust Belt in a beautiful Chevy Cruze.
Why are you starting your trip with three days in Pittsburgh, you ask? The answer largely revolves around the events taking place at the Crafthouse Stage and Grill, a restaurant/bar with a 360-person capacity. It just so happens that two giants of nu-metal are playing this venue within this timeframe.
On August 2nd, you’ll have the pleasure of seeing Powerman 5000 rip through their two songs you actually know, “When Worlds Collide” and “Nobody’s Real,” and several others which are not good. Choose from over 50 different tap beers to drown your sorrows and ponder how frontman Spider One is related to his much more talented, but equally ironically funny, older brother Rob Zombie. When the show mercifully concludes, you can retreat to your lowly hotel room at the Hilltop Inn, rated mediocre on Kayak, for $44 a night.
After witnessing the sheer power of the music from the night before, you luckily have an off day in Pittsburgh on August 3rd. Feel free to grab a sandwich with French fries on it at Primanti Brothers, or go check out the Andy Warhol Museum for the only taste of real culture you’ll get on this trip. You could try and grab tickets for Beyonce at PNC Park, but that would almost qualify as good music, and that’s not what this trip is about, anyway. Oh, that’s another thing – the Pirates are out of town, too, so you won’t be enjoying any Iron City Lights in the bleachers, either.
If you make it to August 4th after enduring a dry day in Pittsburgh, you will have the pleasure of going back to Crafthouse Stage and Grill to see Taproot, another nu-metal giant that has exactly one good song in their catalog. “Poem" received steady airplay around 2002, with it’s most notable and catchy lyrics being “in case of fire, break the glass,” which is a credit to the band’s ability to read the fine print around fire extinguishers. Try not to set yourself on fire during the rest of the set, because odds are you’ll miss out their only relevant song when the band closes with it.
Be sure to get to bed right after the show – you’ve got some driving to do the next morning.
Tickets for Powerman 5000 Tickets for Taproot
STOP 2: Harrison, OH /// August 5, 2023
Enjoy the beautiful scenery (advertisements for Jesus and corn fields) as you keep rollin’ through the Rust Belt for four and half hours to Harrison, Ohio, which is technically classified as a village on the outskirts of the greater Cincinnati area. Check in to your room at the Super 8 by Wyndham for $72 and then make your way to the Blue Note Harrison, a 500-person capacity venue. Tonight, you’re in control and taking in an evening with Puddle of Mudd, the mediocre group who somehow was the most popular band in alternative music around 2001-2002. Watch frontman Wes Scantlin, who sold my friend weed one time, sing all the band’s #1 singles: “She Hates Me,” “Control,” “Drift and Die,” and of course, “Blurry.” Yes, even I can’t believe they had four number one singles, but the post-grunge era really sucked. After this powerhouse performance, they’ll likely rename the venue the Brown Note in honor of the band, if not for the quality of their music.
Tickets for Puddle of Mudd
STOP 3: Covington, KY /// August 6, 2023 – August 7, 2023
The good news is you only need to drive a half hour away for your next show. The bad news is that you’re seeing Smile Empty Soul in Covington, Kentucky. You don’t remember Smile Empty Soul? Of course you don’t. They had one marginal hit single in 2003, albeit a decent song, called “Bottom of a Bottle,” which is where you’ll be crawling out of once this trip is over. Their Summertime Sadness Tour is playing at the Madison Theater, a 315-person concert hall, for a mere $15! It’s hard to pass up deals that good in this economy, and that’s why you’re also staying at the Days Inn in Cincinnati for $56 a night. Empty soul, indeed.
The next day you don’t have a concert or event scheduled. The Reds are scheduled to play on August 7th. With your luck on this trip they’ll get rained out, but it remains the best option besides eating Skyline chili until you hate yourself (even more than you already do).
Tickets for Smile Empty Soul
STOP 4: Noblesville, IN /// August 8, 2023
It’s a relatively short drive to Noblesville, Indiana, which is good news for you because your endurance will be tested later in the evening when you have to sit through upwards of three terrible bands. You’ll be doing it at a relatively cool music venue, though. Ruoff Music Center is set against a forest, and provides an amazing atmosphere for concert goers – when good music is being played. When you settle in for Mudvayne, Coal Chamber, and Nonpoint, you may prefer to wander off into the forest never to be found again, and who could blame you? I know Mudvayne had some success with “Dig,” which is not exactly a claim to fame. To be honest, I couldn’t tell you another song by them or the other two bands I highlighted here. All I can tell you for sure is that I know they probably suck (I’m right). If you avoid a dark journey into forest, retreat back to your spacious room at the Quality Inn ($85) once the show concludes because tomorrow, you’re headed back to Kentucky!
Tickets for Mudvayne and Coal Chamber
STOP 5: Louisville, KY /// August 9, 2023
Be sure to gas up the car and check your fluid levels before your next drive to Kentucky. You don’t want to be in a position to say “please help me ‘cause I’m breaking down” on the side of I-65 before you see Trapt at Number 15 on Whiskey Row in Louisville. Nearly all shows at Number 15 are free, but lucky for you, that policy doesn’t apply tonight. You can buy a VIP pass for a hilariously priced $69. Along with 99 other patrons (the venue only holds 100), you’ll get to see classics like “Echo,” “Still Frame,” and “Headstrong” that dominated the airwaves in the early 2000s. While these songs actually almost hold up over the years, you will likely be underwhelmed by the remainder of Trapt’s set. Retreat to the Red Carpet Inn afterwards, a mediocre $48 hotel, and wait for the echo of the show to subside.
Tickets for Trapt
STOP 6: Tinley Park, IL /// August 10, 2023
It’s been a while since you’ve been to a major city, so hop back on I-65 and make your way up towards the Windy City. Enjoy the nothingness of Indiana before you stop fifteen minutes short of Chicago in Tinley Park at the Credit One Amphitheatre. Though you’ll never actually get to the big city, you’ll be at the one of the biggest venues on your entire journey. Credit One holds a whopping 28,000 people – but about a quarter of that will be there standing alone with you to see Staind and Godsmack. Sadly for you, this is the best show you’re seeing on this tour. Named after an Alice in Chains song, Godsmack had a nice run of albums while ripping off most of Alice’s style in the post-grunge era, but most of their stuff still stands up even though it’s a bit corny. Staind dominated alternative radio on the success of Break the Cycle and 14 Shades of Grey, but deep down you know they suck. Whatever you do, just hope Aaron Lewis keeps away from politics. Once the show concludes, head to your hotel room at the Presidential Inn and Suites ($59, not rated on Kayak) to re-align your thoughts before your next stop. You’re going to need it.
(Author’s Note: I am attending a show from this tour, but it’s 10 minutes from my house and it cost $30. Despite these two facts, I’m still a little embarrassed.)
Tickets for Godsmack and Staind
STOP 7: Kansasville, WI /// August 11, 2023
I’m not sure I have the right words for this one. You’ve already made quite a few stops in obscure and terrible places, but this one may be the worst. You’re headed to Kansasville, Wisconsin to a place called 1175 Sports Park and Eatery, which amounts to a glorified sports bar. Their website boasts that they are southeastern Wisconsin’s ultimate entertainment destination and those who have performed in a space that looks to be about the size of my living room. It’s quite the list: Cold, Scott Stapp, Saliva, Tantric, amongst others I wish I could have included on this trip. But you’re not that fortunate – not on this trip, anyway. You’re going to K-ville to see none other than Drowning Pool, who are somehow still touring 20 years after their lead singer died in 2002 from heart failure. You know their most famous song - make your own joke.
At this point, you might be having an existential crisis and asking yourself why you did this to yourself. And you’re justified – this is by far the saddest stop of your journey. Remind yourself that you only have two stops left before you get to mercifully go home as you cry yourself to sleep at the Super 8 in Kenosha ($78).
Tickets for Drowning Pool
STOP 8: Detroit, MI /// August 12, 2023
Though your trip is coming to a close, it’s not over. You’ve got a long drive ahead of you to Michigan, but you’ll be handsomely rewarded when you get to Detroit. Are you seeing the Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent, so you can finally experience “Stranglehold” live? He played the night before closeby, but you had to go see Drowning Pool instead. Maybe Jack White is playing a one-off show in his hometown at a small bar like he does sometimes. Hell, Sponge might even be playing a reunion show. Sadly, you’re going to none of these. You’ll be taking in the soothing sounds of Daughtry at the MotorCity Casino Lodge. That’s right – the guy who tried out for Fuel and couldn’t hack it will be serenading you and 2,399 other people (probably not) with his one hit and a bunch of other songs that stink on ice. As you wonder if gambling away the money you spent on this trip would have been a better financial decision, head back to your room at Rodeway Inn ($45) near the airport and mentally prepare for the last full day of your trek.
Tickets for Daughtry
STOP 9: Clarkston, MI /// August 13, 2023
You’ve been to some terrible venues on this trip. Ones that would make the Red Zone look like Madison Square Garden. And you’ve seen some pretty shitty bands. Bands that really shouldn’t be playing anymore. But now you’re about to see the granddaddy of them all. It’s really the only proper way to end this trip. Settle in at the Pine Knob Music Theatre alongside 15,000 other screaming fans and get ready to rock out all night with Nickelback. Reflect on Chad Kroeger’s immortal words – “this is how you remind me of what I really am” – when you realize what a joke you are for paying $125 to get in the door to see this performance. Or “look at this photograph – every time I do it makes me laugh” – and realize the photograph in the song, for you, is a mirror. Suffer through the myriad of hits Nickelback has improbably engrained in your brain and wait for a hero to save you, but sadly, Josey Scott’s not walking through that door. You are though – to the exits. Finally, you can rest your weary ears (at McGuires Motor Inn for $75) and weep when you realize you spent $200 combined to see Nickelback.
Tickets for Nickelback
On August 14th, you’re going to drive back to Detroit to fly home – a $39 flight on Spirit Airlines awaits you. Along the way, you might reflect on the memories you’ve made that you’ll wish you could forget. You may also have a lot of questions you’ll ask yourself. First and foremost, why did I do this to myself? But also - Why are these bands still performing for tens of people? How did nu metal and post-grunge bands like these ever gain popularity in the first place? Why didn’t I go to that Hinder and Saliva show in Black Mountain, North Carolina on August 4th instead of seeing Taproot?
I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t like some of the songs discussed above when they were released. Some of them still stand the test of time. But nu-metal and post-grunge butt rock bands like Creed and Nickelback have largely become a joke because of how ridiculous they look from a distance. There’s even an entire Twitter account dedicated to ridiculous moments in nu-metal history. When Korn and Limp Bizkit were at their height of popularity, it wasn’t uncommon to see Jncos, chain wallets, and red Yankee hats on a typical day at school. If you showed up wearing something like that today, and it wasn’t Halloween, you’d once again be a total joke.
There’s always a certain amount of nostalgia that comes with any genre of music, specifically ones that was so niche. While it may have been the logical evolution of downtuning to taking it to the absolute extreme nu-metal and post-grunge did, the bottom always eventually falls out and the musical landscape changes entirely afterwards. And though some of the songs stand up, the entire style of music along with the look that accompanied it are thankfully a thing of the past.
The bands are merely trying to stretch their fifteen minutes of fame to their adoring chain-walleted fans twenty years later. People who somehow found meaning in their songs. People who will actually pay money to see them. People I want absolutely nothing to do with.
For kicks, let’s see how much money you spent on this dumb trip:
You could do just about anything else with that money. You could invest it in the stock market. You could renovate a room in your house. You could buy lottery tickets for a year or two. Or, you could piss it away into the wind – which is exactly what this trip amounts to when you really look into it.
I’ve provided the road map for you. Now it’s up to you to decide if you have the mental fortitude and self-hatred in yourself to do it. You’ll need a lengthy soundtrack if you do, which I’ve provided for you below. Just think about it: for a mere $2,500, you can take the worst vacation of your life, see the most terrible bands that are still active today, and visit some of the most depressing music venues our great country has to offer. How can you pass that up?
If anyone does take this trip, please make sure to tell me – so I can never speak to you again.
