Alternative rock, by its definition, counters the mainstream pop-oriented rock that dominated airwaves through the 1970s and 1980s.  For those decades, the term seemed to imply some sense of do-it-yourself, independent, and underground sounds that you had to do some digging to find.  By the 1990s, alternative rock became a popular genre of music on its own. But even within alternative rock, the 1990s saw some of the most bizarre songs and bands become popular, to the point where they were in heavy rotation on stations that specialized in the genre.  Ska bands.  Swing bands.  Electronic bands.  Bands that would never have had MTV or radio airplay in any other era – all gaining popularity under the ever cloudy umbrella of “alternative rock.”

It also opened the door for weird avant-garde, comedy bands who use spoken word – which is where we meet King Missile, and perhaps the most bizarre song to gain regular airplay in the ‘90s.  There have been many incarnations of the band, but all have revolved around frontman John S. Hall.  Hall started reading his poetry at open mic nights in Greenwich Village in the late 1980s, and upon deciding just reading poetry was too boring, asked a guitarist friend to play alongside him while he was reading his work. They eventually formed King Missile and released a moderately successful single on an independent label, “Jesus Was Way Cool,” in which Hall preaches sarcastically about how Jesus could have scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky and played guitar better than Jimi Hendrix.  

The song did well enough to land the band a deal with Atlantic Records, which would lead to the release of 1992’s Happy Hour, and subsequently the strangest song to ever be in steady rotation on the ‘90s airwaves.  When a band finally ends up signing to a major label, the general thought it to put your best foot forward and release your strongest song as the lead single.  In theory, this generates album sales and increases the marketability of the band for touring, merchandising, and so on.  King Missile follow this formula on Happy Hour – it’s just that the strongest song from Happy Hour was titled “Detachable Penis.”  

The title of the song alone might bring a few questions to mind, spanning from the logisitics of such a body part to how the song received major airplay on alternative stations across the nation.  Or how it’s an incredibly brazen move to write a song about such a topic, and even another level to release it as your lead single.  King Missile’s general outlook of everything being a joke and tongue-in-cheek may have had something to with it, and the song itself is equal parts hilarious and absurd.  The most important thing to consider, though, is that its actually a really good song that tells a true story of redemption.  As far as ‘90s alternative goes, it might be the greatest short story the genre has to offer.

In order to truly understand the genius of “Detachable Penis,” we need to approach it from a literary standpoint.  From a cursory Google search, it seems that there are five main elements to any good story: characters, setting, plot, conflict, and resolution.  We’re going to examine how King Missile addresses all of these key elements through an analysis of each lyric to the song. I have to warn you – it’s a whirlwind of emotions and not for the faint of heart. I hope you are ready to take the journey with me.

[begin scene]

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover

And my penis was missing again

This happens all the time – it’s detachable

Here we meet our protagonist – a man who was clearly overserved the night prior and has woken up regretting his actions the next morning. So much so, in fact, that he lost a very important piece of his anatomy.  A very relatable, everyman character who the audience will no doubt root for in the coming minutes of the song.  We also learn that this occurrence happens quite frequently due to the removable nature of his manhood – perhaps there’s room for some character growth in our journey as well! 

This comes in handy a lot of the time
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
Or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it.

We learn the pros and cons of this anatomical arrangement through the words of our main character. He makes a strong point, followed by a questionable argument, before returning us to the situation that’s led him here in the first place. We get some character development too as he delivers further insight to what life with a detachable penis must be like, and how irresponsible he’s been previously.

First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,

They hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'Cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.

So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
But they were no help either.

The plot emerges. Based on these few lines, it becomes evident that our protagonist is going to take us along on his quest to find his missing tool. We also identify the setting, for the time being, as the man’s apartment. Unfortunately for our hero, it looks as if he’s out of luck in the early going. But there’s still time on the cock clock.

I was starting to get desperate.

I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
And I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.

After calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed

Our first sign of conflict. Our main character is going through it right now. He’s hungover, he lost his dick, and he’s running out of options. None of his friends are helping him out, likely because he’s done this same thing countless other times. Desperate. Depressed. The internal struggle is becoming too much - will he quit or will he continue on? What would any one do in this situation?

So I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast

Eat, of course. Change it up a bit. Grease the wheels, so to speak. Cure a little bit of that hangover and get back out there! Maybe say a quick prayer to St. Anthony. Clearly, the prior approach wasn’t working. Carb up and head back out there into the world outside of your apartment. Will our journey be rewarded? Will our hero ever find peace?

Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,

Where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
Next to a broken toaster oven.

There’s a chance! Immediate dividends for our man here. He takes his mind off it for a moment and he’s rewarded handsomely. At the very least, our protagonist has located the missing piece here. The setting becomes clear as New York City and based on what’s been sold in the area described, this scenario isn’t as far fetched as you might think. We’re moving towards resolution, but not without a final conflict….

Some guy was selling it.

I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen

Everyone’s looking to make a quick buck these days. I guess the vendor checked the Blue Book on a used penis to arrive at his price point really quickly. These three lines beg a few more questions, like how did it arrive at this location and how many times did it change hands? And how did our main character become so good at haggling? What kind of argument do you use there - “Hey, that’s my dick, man, can you take off five bucks”? Regardless, we have the crescendo of the story coming next.

I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on

I was happy again. Complete.

Victory. A true story of redemption. It brings a tear to my eye. The twists and turns, all rewarded right here. Our conflict, internal and external, has seemingly been resolved…

People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
But I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

…until next time. No character growth. Our guy has learned nothing. Very relatable, once again.

[end scene]

First and foremost, if you made it here, I just wanted to thank you for taking this journey with me. As shown above, “Detachable Penis” hits on the five major elements of a good short story, and it’s my belief it’s the greatest alternative rock short story we have to offer. It’s also the second best dick joke of the ‘90s, right behind the montage from Austin Powers 2, which was consulted for this work for synonyms for male genitalia. I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention King Missile’s guitarist, who is absolutely shredding throughout the entire song. There is also a music video for this song, which is a quite literal interpretation of the lyrics available if you want the movie version of this masterpiece.

Alternative rock’s definition has been stretched very thin throughout the years, but perhaps in no more different and absurd directions than in the 1990s. I would challenge you to find a better example than “Detachable Penis.” Besides, when King Missile can get major airplay with this song, wouldn’t you be embarrassed if you were a band that couldn’t sniff K-Rock?